An Ecclesiastes mood

I’m in a season of transition, without a clear sense of how that will look or where it’s really going. I have a two to three year goal that I’m moving towards but I go through periods of uncertainty as to whether that goal is a good one for me or a piece of selfish indulgence, and perhaps I’m just avoiding what God wants in my life. And everything under the sun seems pointless, though I still feel that my heart could easily be pierced or drown.
So I annoy the people who love me with my moods, even as I wish not to—both wanting their comfort and wanting to not bother them with what I know is me being unreasonable. And again wrestling down the problem of perceived vanity and emotional involvement, because I suspect that none of it really matters anyway, but it still does to me. I know the way the passage is worded: everything under the sun is meaningless, is vanity. But beyond the sun… that is where my answer lies. And I know God, well enough, at least, so I assent to the fact that some things do matter. But when I get in this mood, I’m more operating by faith than by sight and it’s a kind of blurry faith.
I’ve been here before. When I was young, it was different, I’d go into the deep blue depression and then either bounce or dig out. Some of that was based on encouraging the moodiness, and I’ve learned a few tricks to cut it off, at least the extremes. Now, I default to this bland down of Ecclesiastes where the sparkle of life is elusive and I miss it, crave it. But I suspect it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, I try to push myself through the steps of what I need to do because so many things are a process.
I have no idea whether I’m wasting time or not but it seems a month, a season, a year burns by faster than I think it should. And being stuck when things feel pointless is worse than when I can see motion in my life. Maybe I’m just distracting myself but it keeps me from making messes in my life for the sake of the novelty. Experience shows that the mood will pass, or abate for a time, to let me see the sun long enough and well enough to remember God.