An Ecclesiastes mood

I’m in a season of transition, without a clear sense of how that will look or where it’s really going. I have a two to three year goal that I’m moving towards but I go through periods of uncertainty as to whether that goal is a good one for me or a piece of selfish indulgence, and perhaps I’m just avoiding what God wants in my life. And everything under the sun seems pointless, though I still feel that my heart could easily be pierced or drown.
So I annoy the people who love me with my moods, even as I wish not to—both wanting their comfort and wanting to not bother them with what I know is me being unreasonable. And again wrestling down the problem of perceived vanity and emotional involvement, because I suspect that none of it really matters anyway, but it still does to me. I know the way the passage is worded: everything under the sun is meaningless, is vanity. But beyond the sun… that is where my answer lies. And I know God, well enough, at least, so I assent to the fact that some things do matter. But when I get in this mood, I’m more operating by faith than by sight and it’s a kind of blurry faith.
I’ve been here before. When I was young, it was different, I’d go into the deep blue depression and then either bounce or dig out. Some of that was based on encouraging the moodiness, and I’ve learned a few tricks to cut it off, at least the extremes. Now, I default to this bland down of Ecclesiastes where the sparkle of life is elusive and I miss it, crave it. But I suspect it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, I try to push myself through the steps of what I need to do because so many things are a process.
I have no idea whether I’m wasting time or not but it seems a month, a season, a year burns by faster than I think it should. And being stuck when things feel pointless is worse than when I can see motion in my life. Maybe I’m just distracting myself but it keeps me from making messes in my life for the sake of the novelty. Experience shows that the mood will pass, or abate for a time, to let me see the sun long enough and well enough to remember God.

some answers to the problem of evil and suffering

My homegroup is looking at ‘what is your picture of God?’ and particularly as people look at the problem of evil and suffering. This week broke into debate and I was looking for the place of being understanding/ a bridge-builder, and also trying to be clear about my own views. Unfortunately, I don’t think I did either well (darn it). So now I have that desire to get it out there and tell you what I think. (I know, many of you are crinkling your foreheads and trying to decide if that’s a good thing.)
Most Christians are committed to the idea that God is all-powerful and is thus able to do as He wishes so for me the question comes down to “why does God *not* fix this?” And I’ve encountered a wide variety of answers that usually start in one of two ways: “God choose/appointed this suffering/evil for you because…” or “God did not choose this for you and the only reason He hasn’t stopped it/fixed it is…” So, I’m going to comment on the answers I’ve heard. Understand, all of these views come from a scripture (or several) and the people saying them usually love God dearly. While I will be direct in my opinion, I recognize that these are my brothers and sisters in Christ. Further, I think it’s important because I meet the people who wanted to love 
God, do, still in their hearts, but they’ve been battered by the church and some of these answers contributed to the problem.

So here are the answers I’ve encountered:
“God choose/appointed this suffering/evil for you because…
answer A) He then gets the glory when He redeems it/you.
This comes from both John 9 and Job. I think they’ve misunderstood these passages and ignored several other passages that speak of God’s love and motivation. The problem I have with this is that it characterizes God as only interested in Himself and willing to use and abuse us to glorify Himself. Further, this view makes it very easy for pastors/leaders to abuse and use their congregations. Also, it makes redemptive efforts seem contrary to God (why try to cure cancer, doesn’t that steal glory from God?)
answer B) He is trying to teach you a lesson/make you more dependant on Him.
This primarily comes from the experience that we do draw closer and see that we’re more dependent on Him when we deal with times of suffering but it makes God a rather confusing and harsh teacher if we believe that He causes/appoints suffering and evil for that reason. It also, strangely, puts the focus on us instead of on God. The person with this view is scrabbling around to figure out what is wrong with them/what they should learn; their eyes are on their suffering and what they could possibly change. It also makes things seem like that person’s fault, as though they wouldn’t have had problem X if they were better learners or better Christians. I’ve heard people I deeply respect espouse this view but I must disagree.
answer C) He has a plan and His ways are higher than our ways so we must simply trust that this is good.
While there are certainly mysteries about God and He doesn’t answer every question the second we ask it, this answer feels like an evasion. It seems to say, “I don’t know so don’t ask so many questions.” It also tends to give the impression that one should check their brain at the door and simply obey the pastors and leaders, which often leads to spiritual abuse.
answer D) He looked at all the possible futures and this version of reality had the most number of people saved and the least overall evil/suffering.
I hold a different view but I can see how this one makes sense. It assumes that God is all-knowing and loving and is trying to get the best possible outcome on a bigger playing field. It is centered in His love and it holds firmly to values that God does have—the wish for all to be saved and the end of evil and death. It can lead to deism or to fatalism but it is one of the better views.

“God did not choose this for you and the only reason He hasn’t stopped it/fixed it is…”
answer A) you lack faith
While there are passages that mention faith, this is a gross misinterpretation of them. It conveniently blames the person suffering and averts the need to help them or show any brotherly compassion. It also encourages a kind of magical thinking where the person feels that if they get the faith part just right then they’ll get whatever they want. Of course, it’s impossible for us to measure the faith of another.
answer B) this world is broken and we are reaping the sin and death of the Fall.
This has real validity and is a major reason that we experience suffering and evil. The only problem I have with this is that sometimes we can forget that we have a God who is bigger than our world
answer C) this world is in the grip of intense spiritual warfare and while the war has been won on the Cross, there are still battles to fight until the ultimate conclusion.
Again, this is valid and true and we see this in both scripture and experience. The only problem I see with this is that a few people get overzealous and forget that some things are natural—it may be warfare causing person J’s anxiety or it may be physiological or psychological or a blend.
My answer is to make a hybrid of answers B and C.
It doesn’t take the pain away, but it makes it easier to lean on God and to see that He’s not capricious or playing favorites, which is how some of the other answers strike me.

Obviously, I have skimmed and summarized a lot here. (This is an insanely long post and I want you to make it to the end at least the second time you notice it.) I hope I’ve not been too confusing. I didn’t bring up many scriptures directly to keep from getting too detailed. I always come back to “God is love.” For me that is the beginning and ending of all theology. Our worship begins with Him loving us, then we love Him and also each other. I expect to see this core truth in the answers to suffering as well.

and the goose is getting fat?

Some years I get excited and I feel Christmas coming for weeks and I’m ready. This year it has seemed to sneak up on me. The number of Christmas related activities seems to multiply. And I find I’m tired. I end up in these unfortunate pockets of crankiness and unhappiness. Earlier today I was in a sad mood, mulling over old rejections that there is no way to resolve, and I had to treat myself like a small child. I gave myself simple, reasonable answers and then put myself down for a nap. It was amazing, shortly after resting, I was able to make sense of the answers I already knew but hadn’t been able to consider in the midst of my mood. So I found a temporary footing, but I haven’t really grasped Christmas yet. Usually, I get caught up in the humanity of Christ—for me, the fact that He came as a baby and had to go through all the normal life moments seems a restoration of dignity of human-beings. And while the thought has crossed my mind, I haven’t rested on it.
I’m trying to find the Christmas zone though. We watched two versions of ‘A Christmas Carol’ and one of them I love and the other I had not seen before and won’t bother with again. But we got to the end of the good version and I was teary-eyed about Scrooge’s transformation. I was especially struck by Scrooge peeking in at his nephew eating and asking if he could come to dinner—earlier, he had been there with the Ghost of Christmas present and had wanted to linger and I found it humorous that he was begging to stay as an invisible observer at a party that he’d been invited to. Now, here he was with his hat in hand, hoping to be welcomed… And his nephew had always been more than happy to have him, had gone out of the way for him, even when Scrooge was being a jerk. I’m sure there’s a lesson for me in that, maybe more than one.
Just as I am typing, it occurs to me that another important piece of Christmas is God’s willingness to get involved, not as a ghostly observer, but as a participant, a guest at the table. He is not detached in any way, He is very much involved. Jesus doesn’t just touch our lives, he got down in the dirt with us. But, I think God is more trying to tell me the second point, I was always welcome and that he made a supreme effort, even knowing what a jerk I can be.
But I have digressed from the main point. Really, I’m trying to get in my head that Christmas is almost here. And I want to pass on a Merry Christmas to you. So eat a lot of food and wrap a lot of presents (hey, that’s what the dollar store is for, right?) and play with your new toys.
KP