Quick update

It's been a while-- my laptop computer crashed, permanently--so I didn't log on. Over the summer I went in search of a new job situation-- the prior contract had ended. I started a new job that was crazy and then realized I couldn't deal with certain security issues, so my job changed again.

In the middle of all this was another story, that I will need to tell more about on another day, that centers around the pregnancy, life, and stillbirth of my second child-- it's so stark here on the screen and yet I can't quite bring myself to write about it at length. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger-- I haven't gotten there yet-- they also say that everything gets used in one's writing-- I'm randomly pressing to get anything on paper and that is bland-- but this too shall pass, right? In it all, God has been so present, available. I've been surprised and gladdened and honored by the family and friends we have around us.

Here's to a good 2011-- so far I've just been trying to recover from 2010 but I've got time. And God is faithful.

quite a day

I was having a lovely day—o.k., the weather wasn’t giving anything but still. I spent the morning with my son and niece and then the three of us had lunch with my sister-in-law. She is a delight and I regularly thank God for my brother’s wisdom and good taste in marrying her.
I got a later start after lunch than I intended which began the ‘rushed’ segment of the day. Not bad, not good, I just had certain time constraints that weren’t yielding. But I got to the happy place of spending time with some people who are really dear to me.
And we were having a good time, not all light and breezy, some things were more personal; but friends, food and good writing against the backdrop of our mutual love for God. Those things stayed but we got some bad news. One of the members of our group was ‘done wrong’ in the eyes of God, humanity and, in this case, the law. We all grappled to know how to best support her, and I can’t say if we helped or not, but we love her and we’re praying for her and that God will ‘deal with’ the other party (hear this in an ominous tone).
One of my friends was angry and disappointed with humanity and made some comments that I didn’t know how to react to but I’ll have to clarify later today. One of my friends was furious. Anger is a healthy response, the downside is that she doesn’t have a ‘working peace with anger’—and this phrase will sound more than bizarre to her.
Later, as I was unwinding and sorting through the day, my husband called down the stairs—our son had been sick, and had not made it to the bathroom. That’s one sick, shaky kid plus a puddle of fragrant vomit. But as we started cleaning, I discovered it wasn’t a tidy puddle, it had splattered, and my son’s floor is covered with stacks of pokemon cards he was sorting and books. Watching me try to clean and save his stuff (though the copy of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy is actually mine), my son said, “This is tragic,” with a resigned slump to his already tired body.
It took us 25 minutes to get it cleaned up and him back in bed. We left him with a trash bag in a small can, just in case, and an hour later he made good use of it. I took that out but by then the combined smells were making me nauseous. I did lie in bed and wonder if this was just a bumpy day or spiritual warfare and I prayed accordingly—my sense of nausea lifted and my son made it through the night.
So, that’s how we started the summer. Not exactly auspicious but I’m surrounded by people I really love and that is priceless.

An Ecclesiastes mood

I’m in a season of transition, without a clear sense of how that will look or where it’s really going. I have a two to three year goal that I’m moving towards but I go through periods of uncertainty as to whether that goal is a good one for me or a piece of selfish indulgence, and perhaps I’m just avoiding what God wants in my life. And everything under the sun seems pointless, though I still feel that my heart could easily be pierced or drown.
So I annoy the people who love me with my moods, even as I wish not to—both wanting their comfort and wanting to not bother them with what I know is me being unreasonable. And again wrestling down the problem of perceived vanity and emotional involvement, because I suspect that none of it really matters anyway, but it still does to me. I know the way the passage is worded: everything under the sun is meaningless, is vanity. But beyond the sun… that is where my answer lies. And I know God, well enough, at least, so I assent to the fact that some things do matter. But when I get in this mood, I’m more operating by faith than by sight and it’s a kind of blurry faith.
I’ve been here before. When I was young, it was different, I’d go into the deep blue depression and then either bounce or dig out. Some of that was based on encouraging the moodiness, and I’ve learned a few tricks to cut it off, at least the extremes. Now, I default to this bland down of Ecclesiastes where the sparkle of life is elusive and I miss it, crave it. But I suspect it doesn’t matter how I feel about it, I try to push myself through the steps of what I need to do because so many things are a process.
I have no idea whether I’m wasting time or not but it seems a month, a season, a year burns by faster than I think it should. And being stuck when things feel pointless is worse than when I can see motion in my life. Maybe I’m just distracting myself but it keeps me from making messes in my life for the sake of the novelty. Experience shows that the mood will pass, or abate for a time, to let me see the sun long enough and well enough to remember God.