and the goose is getting fat?

Some years I get excited and I feel Christmas coming for weeks and I’m ready. This year it has seemed to sneak up on me. The number of Christmas related activities seems to multiply. And I find I’m tired. I end up in these unfortunate pockets of crankiness and unhappiness. Earlier today I was in a sad mood, mulling over old rejections that there is no way to resolve, and I had to treat myself like a small child. I gave myself simple, reasonable answers and then put myself down for a nap. It was amazing, shortly after resting, I was able to make sense of the answers I already knew but hadn’t been able to consider in the midst of my mood. So I found a temporary footing, but I haven’t really grasped Christmas yet. Usually, I get caught up in the humanity of Christ—for me, the fact that He came as a baby and had to go through all the normal life moments seems a restoration of dignity of human-beings. And while the thought has crossed my mind, I haven’t rested on it.
I’m trying to find the Christmas zone though. We watched two versions of ‘A Christmas Carol’ and one of them I love and the other I had not seen before and won’t bother with again. But we got to the end of the good version and I was teary-eyed about Scrooge’s transformation. I was especially struck by Scrooge peeking in at his nephew eating and asking if he could come to dinner—earlier, he had been there with the Ghost of Christmas present and had wanted to linger and I found it humorous that he was begging to stay as an invisible observer at a party that he’d been invited to. Now, here he was with his hat in hand, hoping to be welcomed… And his nephew had always been more than happy to have him, had gone out of the way for him, even when Scrooge was being a jerk. I’m sure there’s a lesson for me in that, maybe more than one.
Just as I am typing, it occurs to me that another important piece of Christmas is God’s willingness to get involved, not as a ghostly observer, but as a participant, a guest at the table. He is not detached in any way, He is very much involved. Jesus doesn’t just touch our lives, he got down in the dirt with us. But, I think God is more trying to tell me the second point, I was always welcome and that he made a supreme effort, even knowing what a jerk I can be.
But I have digressed from the main point. Really, I’m trying to get in my head that Christmas is almost here. And I want to pass on a Merry Christmas to you. So eat a lot of food and wrap a lot of presents (hey, that’s what the dollar store is for, right?) and play with your new toys.
KP

a brief overview

Right now I'm in the process of applying for grad school. (Please pray that I get in and get a position as a GTA). This means that I have a number of papers to prepare. One of them is an autobiographical statement intended to tell the committee about me as a potential student, writer, and instructor (GTA). My first draft was so stiff and formal that I scrapped it. The second version was a bit too conversational. This is the third draft. I thought I'd share it with you since I tend to assume my readers know this stuff about me, but some of you may not. Here you go:


I was an amateur poet in high school and college and occasionally I composed a short story. At the time, I saw writing as a hobby, though I took a couple of poetry writing classes. I wasn't serious about my education, and unfortunately my grades show it. But I did grow up during those years and I did complete my B.A. in March of 1995. While I was in school, I met and married my husband and spent the next couple of years waiting tables and staying involved at church.
Towards the end of 1996, we moved to Florida. There I briefly worked in an office, discovering that the corporate world was not for me. I went on to take a job as an instructor at Full Sail, a technical college offering associates degrees. I enjoyed teaching both lectures and computer labs. I liked to think up better ways to convey the concepts and projects to our students. Since we developed many of our course materials, I had opportunity to write non-fiction for work. I also volunteered to write for church related projects. The teaching element in generating non-fiction makes it satisfying.
I also found myself drawn to writing fiction. Story ideas and characters came to me and I committed myself to produce a novel. I had dabbled in fiction before but it soon supplanted poetry as the writing of choice. In addition to the novel, I have a number of story ideas and scenes, which all clamor to be completed.
In 2000, I had a child and focused on caring for him. Two years later, our family moved back to the Central Ohio area. The first draft of my novel was complete but it required revision, so I joined a writers’ group. There, I found both the camaraderie and the feedback I needed to progress. As I reworked the novel, I found myself trying to answer questions about the back story and the history of its world, which led to another novel.
Currently, I’m in the challenging process of marketing these pieces. Some say that it takes bravery to write, but I disagree; the writing is engaging and has a flow. Attempting to publish one’s work is where courage and perseverance are absolutely required. I’m also involved in taking care of my eighteen-month-old niece through the rest of this school year.
I intend to return to school in order to develop as a writer, to learn to navigate the publishing industry, and to reengage in the teaching process. My eventual goal is to publish a book per year and teach undergraduate students as either an adjunct or a professor.

Some ramblings about thinking…

This was some stream of consciousness stuff from the other day--

It occurs to me that I think in stories. On one hand this is such a big ‘duh’ that it’s not worth mentioning but the observation has never been as clear to me as it is right now.

Once, many years ago, some friends were doing caricature impressions and the ‘snapshot’ of me was speaking quickly, drawing analogies for everything and gesturing enthusiastically, slowly backing my listener into a corner. (Now, that last bit was unfair, I didn’t and don’t corner people.) But the fastest way to ‘pin me down’ was my enthusiastic analogizing—this is like this and that and so on, and I like to synthesize my stories and thoughts together. Again, I feel the ‘duh’ aspect of this and yet I’m affected by the voices that dismiss fiction and analogies, which down play stories and storytelling. They present it as something childish like fairytales, or pretentious, or as some sort of a harmless pastime.

But I think in stories and analogies. I can handle linear patterns and classic logic (and believe me, it’s a dwindling skill) but I normally, naturally think in stories. And I have to conclude that many others do too. Partially because we drink in stories, we retell them. Even a lot of non-fiction is about the stories of ‘regular people’ learning what the book is trying to teach or about the extraordinary people in the field of interest. Christ used parables and really the Bible is a story about how God is love and how He loves us. And that is the most powerful thing I know.

Some random thoughts on moving forward

I was thinking about a writers group I attend and the minor matter that one person hates blogs while another has convinced a number of us to start blogs. I was thinking we should probably get the anti-blogger give us his reasons and then be done with it. As that conversation was going along in my mind, I went down a weird side road about their relative credibility to us since the person who likes blogs is a long-standing member of the group and a successful writer while the other person is a novice.


The weird side road looked like this:
While some of us are wallowing in whatever about trying to be successful writers, he’s already done it. It’s like a kitchen that he’s already gone into, made coffee, fixed his eggs, bacon, toast, taken them to the table, eaten, picked up the dishes and put them in a dishwasher, poured himself a second cup and is standing there with the mug patiently coaxing an angst-y clutch of us to come in, that he already got a coffee mug out for us.
And I keep freaking out because there’s a barrier there, and what if I... [insert idiotic blithering and emotional baggage here] and he keeps saying, “No, no, it’s a baby gate. You can easily step over it. Or do what I do, use the little latchy-thingy to open it. Either way, you can do this.”
I go back to whining and crying in self-doubt but I’m beginning to have a second conversation behind that one. What if he's right and it is a manageable simple thing? And, crap, I’d look foolish standing at a baby gate stymied. And how long do I plan to stand here looking foolish?
Hopefully, I’ll have the good sense to step over and he will hand me some coffee and say, “See, all better now.” And I’ll shrug off the stupidity, and it will be all better.

P.S. Reading this blog does qualify you for a passport stamp on kimworld, which I believe is in the Galaxy of Thar, or maybe it’s at the other side of the black hole in Thar’s center... hmmm.... I’ll have to check.

P.P.S If you have no idea what the last comment was about, don’t worry, you’re probably better off not knowing.

And I'm ranting...

I’m in a pissy mood about the whole healthcare reform thing. No, I’m really more upset that everyone is so busy trying to ‘help’ me (I’m one of those uninsured Americans) but none of its supporters is willing to listen to me. I wrote my representatives in the House and the Senate. The one representative’s office sent back a respectful letter that implied that whoever the staff member was had actually read it (a Republican) and the other (a Democrat) sent a letter that basically said, ‘I’m glad you’re interested in the healthcare issue, here is what I’m doing to pass the President’s bill’. This response would have made sense except I wrote to say that I am strongly opposed to mandated health insurance (if we can’t opt out then we have problems… if you want to know more, I’ll be happy to share), I’m opposed to increasing the debt by another TRILLION dollars and I sent a couple of suggestions on how to really help Americans with their healthcare costs (since I do have some experience). I am an Independent, I have voted both red and blue depending on the year and sometimes the for Libertarian Party—it just so happens that right now the Dems are on my last nerve with their persistent dismissal of anything but enthusiastic agreement. And unfortunately, most journalists lean left (they say they stay objective about the news but I have to disagree quite strongly—sometimes they run so blue during actual news reports I have to check the program because I swear it must be an op-ed show—then they bitch about actual op-ed shows whose hosts admit they to lean towards the right) which means that the news programming on CNN (and they are representative of the majority) about the unsettled Town Hall meetings either reports confusion about these ‘strange rabble rousers’ or insists that this is some plot by Rush Limbaugh, but none of these reports seriously consider that a decent percentage of Americans don’t want the legislation—which is their openly stated opinion. Let me say this another way, one president ago, when a few loud (and sometimes disruptive) protesters against the war in Iraq in a public address were discussed on the news, it was usually with the slant that the politicians were trying to ‘shut down free speech’ and ignore these representatives of ‘general public opinion.’ Now, when a large group of loud (and sometimes disruptive) protesters against this healthcare bill show up in a Town Hall meeting (which is typically where people are expected to present concerns and opinions), the slant is that this fringe group is trying to manipulate the system and that this obviously doesn’t represent the majority view. I’m a little annoyed with the news shows—it’s probably good we cut the cable, but I still read the on-line news reports…

Part of me wants to laugh it off. I am Gen X, we never had a chance at shouting down the Baby Boomers (and we weren’t all that into shouting anyway) so I’m used to the notion that I can lodge a protest but that no one really wants to hear it. But, ultimately I think this is a rant about one of my personal issues—that is I want to be seen, understood, valued, encouraged, etc. And I’m deeply bothered when I feel ignored, misunderstood, dismissed, judged, especially when I’m left holding the bag—which is how I interpret an expensive mandatory healthcare bill that leaves the country profoundly in debt.

So I will send/have sent the official letters, lodging my protest, and pray that what we get is better than what I fear. And thank you for letting me complain.

What’s up?

I think after that last blog, I wasn’t sure where to go. It is more a teaching than a sharing and I am more comfortable with teachings. When it’s a sharing, I have to figure out what to share. So, since I don’t know, I’ll give you the quick overview of the last two months—we had 1) the major period of discouragement and insecurity 2) planning and schedule madness 3) vacations 4) gearing up for back to school and back to living with a schedule

1) I went through a period of real discouragement. I would sometimes stop and think that this must be spiritual attack and pray and I would have a minor letup in the onslaught of feelings of worthlessness and despair. But any ‘good’ attack will go after a weak area so getting the enemy to clear off was helpful but I was already an emotional basket case at any point that I realized the source of the trouble. I have joked before that I have prosecuting attorneys in my head who are entirely ruthless and they are limited only by my ability to use logic, thus I sometimes pray for ‘angelic lawyers’. But a lot of prayer later, I’m back to a normal level of discouragement and insecurity (which will hopeful approach zero before I die)
2) Strangely, my schedule and that of those people whose lives intersect with mine became complex. I spent more time with my schedule book on the phone negotiating in that 10 day span than I had doing scheduling for the year up to this point.
3) Then we had the actual vacations and pseudo-vacations themselves. Part of the time, my son and I were staying at my mother’s house taking care of her dogs. She told us to rummage for any food we wanted—so we ate steak and I had a delicious bowl of spaghetti and something else that I really enjoyed at the time, that was the good side. The bad side is that I don’t usually sleep well when I’m away from home, and I didn’t sleep well at all. Later, we went to St. Louis. That was good, I hung out with my Dad and got to see where he and his wife had moved to. We went to this cool place called The City Museum—it was part playground and part obstacle course and we had a great time. I know that I’m not unfit, but I need to exercise a lot more than I have been.
4) We are now to the 'gearing up for the new school year' which is going to be at a different building this year. We have my son’s birthday coming up as well, which means a party with children and a visit from my mother-in-law (who I like though I don’t always know what to talk about with her). Plus, we are looking at the budget and trying to decide what expenses we can cut and what is really worth it for us.

So, there it is in a nutshell. I hope that the return to a more predictable schedule will make it easier to make progress on all of my writing tasks. And maybe I’ll blog more often… but no promises.

Women teaching?

I haven’t blogged lately and my husband suggested that I post my thoughts on 1 Tim. 2 (esp. vs. 12) because he feels I have a deep understanding of the passage . I was concerned that it would be too theological and intellectual. (I should have worried about it being too long.) But the reason I spent so much time coming up with a comprehensive and thorough view is the personal nature of the passage.

I remember the first time I read the verses. I was at home, I think I was a senior in high school, and I was in my basement hangout spot, just reading the Bible. I got to the passage and I had that instant, ‘What?’ reaction and so I reread it. And I was so offended I literally threw the Bible across the room. (Now, understand, I was the child who wouldn’t set anything on top of my Bible because it seemed rude to God’s word to just treat it like any old book.)

Wrestling with this passage has led me from feminism to complementarianism to egalitarianism (if you don’t know what I’m talking about then be glad-- there is a rather heated debate about the ‘Biblical’ understanding of women’s roles and relations between the genders). But, through it all, my desire was to be faithful to God, hear the truth and generally do what was right. So I spent time considering the texts, the contexts and the arguments.
Ultimately my study led to a translation of vs. 12 and an understanding of the passage around it that is fair to the Greek, makes sense in the context of both the letter and the Bible, and has the added bonus of NOT NECESSITATING any particular view about men and women.

Vs. 12 is normally translated something like this: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent” which is the NIV rendering. As I studied, I found that the Greek is rather unusual in this verse. Most literally it reads: “Women * teaching neither to permit (give leave) nor to usurp (domineer) men but to be in quietness (silence, tranquility, composure).” Now, several points of note: 1) the * represents a connecting word that ties together women and teaching 2) the ‘neither, nor, but’ construction in Greek is quite stable, meaning I can’t mix and match parts of the phrase 3) the verb tenses are relevant-- all the verbs except teaching are in the infinitive. The traditional rendering pulls apart the sentence structure, ignoring these points. The words themselves are sometimes debated or have several uses, so I listed several options. If I had no preconceived notions about the meaning and just looked at the text, I would take it to be a comment on either the demeanor of women when they teach or the content of their teaching. Then the problem word would be the verb ‘to permit’. When I looked it up, I found it has been translated ‘give leave to do as one wishes’ which here would make some sense, implying that either chaos or permissiveness is the problem. So it would be rendered either A) Women should not teach a permissive wildness nor should women teach rebellion against men but women should teach tranquility and composure or B) When women teach they shouldn’t just give leave to let the students do whatever, nor should they use their teaching time to domineer and disrespect men but when women are teaching they should be tranquil and composed. Given that there is a lot of talk in this letter and the next about false teaching and the immediate context is inappropriate behavior during religious practice, both renderings fit.

Someone who favors a traditional male hierarchy can take translation A and buffer it together with the Titus admonition that older women teach the younger ones to care for their families and be respectful. Those who think that teaching roles should be open to women will see that women are not allowed to use their teaching to encourage chaos or rebellion but should present, persuade and make their points respectfully.

Verse 11 is often used to bolster the hierarchal view but it really says that women should be appropriately composed as students. The word submission there comes from a military term that means ‘one of the troop’-- Paul is telling the women to behave as students, no more, no less. The three verses that follow, 13-16, are obviously, grammatically, meant to connect to his comment in what we see as vs. 12. Some readers try to take them as an appeal to a universal, timeless understanding of men’s hierarchical superiority and women’s incompetence and then they generally ignore verse 15 or take it as a random comment. But that leads to a lot of theological problems, like if women can’t teach because they’re gullible and the first man wasn’t deceived then how do we trust a teacher who knew full well that eating of the tree was sin but did it anyway? Rom. 5 explains the consequence of Adam’s choice for all of humanity, understanding both there and in Gen. that the man ‘was with’ his wife and thus he made his choice for whatever reason.

However, there is a much more natural understanding for the passage if we consider the context. We know the Ephesians worshiped their own version of Artemis. The classic character was convinced that men were the source of evil and to be seduced by a man was to be tainted by him. But in Ephesus, it appears that they had altered and adapted her since most scholars agree that Artemis of the Ephesians was looked to for fertility and for help with childbirth. Those things are known/generally undisputed. I suggest that an obvious choice for the Ephesians to keep some of their earlier beliefs would be to slightly re-render Gen. 1 to make the man the one who caused all of the trouble and to make women the innocent bystanders who then turned back to their beloved Artemis in the time of pregnancy. While I am speculating, this fits with everything known, who people are, and makes sense of the passage here. Paul would be correcting their attempts to synchronistically adapt their Artemis and some specific points of false teaching-- 1) man was there first, it wasn’t his introduction that messed things up 2) Eve made her own choice, no one forced anything on her, she is reaping the consequences of her own decision 3) don’t turn to Artemis again when you’re worried about childbearing, Christ can be relied upon to bring you through it.

From this, I can be reminded by this passage to be appropriate and reverent in all my worship activities, as suggested from vs. 8 through 15, and to not use worship activities to further an agenda either by inappropriate prayers, dress or behavior during teachings. I am reminded that sin is the problem of both men and women, no blame-shifting will do. And that I should ultimately depend on God, not get caught up in power plays, in attempts to gain attention to myself or turn to some other ‘deity.’ As mothers, aunts, and the like, women will be teaching someone and instruction to teach appropriately is useful regardless of what roles one believes should be open to women in the church and the larger society.

To feel real again

I’ve been in the mood to hear Seven Dust lately (happily, my husband happens to have it lying around) and one song in particular sticks with me, Beautiful. Some of the lyrics are (to the best of my knowledge--don’t sue me if I’ve misquoted)

Feel--when I’m in doubt
I need something beautiful
To fill the space we’ve taken up
I need something to feel real again
Before I go numb

(Are you alive?)

I’m struggling-- I find that all the best and most well-meaning Christian teaching in the world is often so out of context for me that it becomes counterproductive. The thing is, I’ve been a Christian for a long time, and I love God-- He knows how fickle and foolish I can be but that like some strange infestation, I keep coming back... and back... and back. But I don’t think there is a clear idea of what it is supposed to look like or feel like when you are an older Christian in a fallen world with the ordinary drives and problems of humanity. In spite of the popular press, we don’t become more ethereal and ‘spiritual’ as we pass the 15 or 20 year mark. We have a handful of things that we know-- that deep profound knowing. I’ve been though some crap but I know God is good-- I know He has always been faithful. That doesn’t mean that fear and anger don’t overwhelm me, it means that they don’t dismantle my relationship with God. And I have the things that I cling to, like the profound nature of His Grace, which I can deliver in full force to others though I struggle to fully receive it-- and it’s not, as some suppose, that I fail to understand the power of sin (usually said in a tight, ominous voice) but that I’ve seen mercy triumph over judgment so many times that I know where to ‘bank my money’. But the thing is, the older I get the more it seems like God invites us to be comfortable with our physical, intellectual and emotional selves, not in the noble and grandiose way that the teachings make it sound but just plain able to be honest with ourselves.

But it’s hard to filter all the ‘good’ advice and ‘good’ teaching that would lead me awry because I’m not a newbie who’s never thought about God before, who’s never needed to rely on Him. It’s like with marriage, at some point differentiating between my agenda and my husband’s agenda is murky. Some of ‘my’ agendas are specifically for him, things that I think are to his benefit, because our lives and futures and pressing concerns have substantial overlap. In the same way, I can’t always tell anymore what is my agenda and what is God’s-- not that I can’t be oblivious and selfish, but my hopes and destiny have been tied to Christ for a long time. They are now intertwined, telling me to sacrifice my agenda and accept God’s is just confusing. I need help teasing out which is which, and it requires subtlety.

This is all a long ramble to say that I’m struggling with the experience that church life is obscuring God for me even as it is the place where I am most likely to be encouraged to pursue God. I need the encouragement, the different perspectives and experiences but the overall feel is one of creating doubt and numbing the raw beauty of God.

I’ve been here before, I’ll push through. The Lord knows that one of my weak links is my relationship with the church as an organization. And like some strange infestation, I keep coming back... and back...

I would tell you but then I’d have to kill you...

It’s quirky-- I’m usually reserved and yet when it comes to my own life, I struggle to keep secrets. Other people’s secrets aren’t a problem, I’ve been told I’m a good listener (and since I heard them say that, I’ve proven that they’re not totally wrong) so people tell me things that I respond to and store away in some strange corner of my mind. But when it comes to myself, I have to constantly hold my tongue to keep from saying anything-- even now I so want to tell you what’s been going on behind the scenes-- there was a minor health concern that we wanted to keep from my rather perceptive 8-year-old until or unless something needed to be said. (Everything came out clean, I’m in good health, but the whole situation put me in a really foul mood.)

But I have to laugh at myself. Generally, I’d rather hear about my friends than talk about me-- through a combination of shyness and the feeling that I spend a lot of time with my own stuff already. And I can hardly keep myself from sharing a personal secret. Further, since I’m in a foul mood about the whole thing (a free 12 pound weight gain is just one of the bonus features you’ll receive with shipment!) and I still can only sort of share my crappy/mad/sad mood. Again, ironic, because I normally pull in when I’m upset. I’m one of those people who chat and joke at funerals and then sob until I run out of snot at home. And when I’m furious, I have a good stage voice (I can be clearly heard) but there’s no shouting. (The people who’ve seen/experienced my fury don’t feel better because of the controlled volume).

So for those of my friends who complain that I don’t talk about myself enough, just convince me that we have to keep the information a secret, then I’ll be positively bursting to tell you, just make sure I don’t think I have to keep the secret from you.
KP

Sheesh, it’s just a letter

I’ve been working on a query letter and synopsis for Colin’s logs. In theory a query is a simple practical matter-- but I’m an anxious, nervous wreck. I think part of my problem is that I feel pressure to get it right. I mean I look through books on how to write a query, what should be in it and there are pages and pages of admonitions to ‘grab the editor/agent from the first word’ and to ‘sell your story’, and to ‘sell yourself as the person to write it’, making sure that every word is just so. (I think I need a paper sack, I’m about to hyperventilate here.)

But even with the best letter I could possibly write, I’m still afraid. It’s kind of a funny Catch-22 situation-- I’m afraid of taking the next step and I’m afraid of staying here. Then I feel silly about the whole thing-- it’s not like editors and agents have a James Bond eject button that will send me flying through the air if they don’t like it (and, thankfully, it would be too expensive to install). I can step back and be objective. I write fairly well and the book in question is a good read with some humor in it that will please readers in the sci fi/fantasy fan base but it’s not likely to be a Twilight kind of seller either, nor do I need it to be. One day, I’d like to have a real run-away-train like that, but Colin is really an opening salvo in what will hopefully be a long line of publishing credits. I need it to do well enough so I will be welcome to publish other stories. I have another manuscript that will be ready to market by the summer and several partial projects that I’m working on. But I have to get over the hill of marketing.

While I was writing, I kept having people commend my courage. Finishing a novel is a challenge but it wasn’t frightening, it called for sheer persistence more than courage. Critiques and revisions are tough, but good reviewers lead to such improvements that I can get over it. The writing is easy, marketing is where my neurotic insecurities show.

I have a decent core letter (with the help of some friends) and even if I’m a complete nut case, I can still address it to the agent or editor in question. My mother volunteered to actually mail the letters so that I don’t freak out and accidentally drop it in the trash instead of the mail (o.k., I exaggerate a bit). So, sooner than later, I’ll just suck it up and send it out-- wish me luck!